Crimes Against Shoemanity: Freaky Footwear That Should Never Have Been MadeBy Jhoana C
Fashion can be stylish and innovative, but nobody can deny that it often crosses over into the world of bizarre garments at times. Think of inflatable balloon pants, towel gowns, the baguette bag by Moschino, and potato sack pants. Designers want so badly to be innovative and acknowledged as geniuses that, at times, they fail to think about how their creations would look on regular people.
And footwear is no exception. Over the years, we have seen weird footwear trends that made us raise our eyebrows and question the sanity of the people who designed them. Luckily for us, an Instagram account named “crimesagainstshoemanity” compiles some of the weirdest footwear ever, and we are glad to share them with you. Read on and squirm, laugh, and be disgusted at the same time.
There’s something fishy going on here
Suffice it to say that at first glance, you’d know that something fishy is going on here. When it comes to footwear, you want to be comfortable because the last thing you want is to have corns, calluses, and ingrown toenails to start brewing on your feet.
We reckon this fish footwear will not give you any of that, but what you’re guaranteed to receive are strange looks. Who wouldn’t be looking at you twice while you’re wearing this abomination? It’s downright weird and looks like it belongs in a lake.
A bit low for camel toe
We’ve all heard of camel toe as it’s been discussed often and is something we don’t want to get into right now. However, this is the type of fashion no-no that needs to be addressed right away. This is the camel toe that’s actually on the foot.
If you want to scare your Sunday school peers, you can wear this pair of shoes and prance around the church, so they’ll think that the unholy one has been there. But, we don’t recommend wearing it to the office, social engagements, or to school.
Are you coming or going?
This is a pair of shoes that can’t seem to decide if it’s coming or going. We can think of a few people for whom these shoes would be perfect, particularly those who just can’t seem to make up their minds. This would make an excellent gift for them.
And, they would make for a perfect conversation piece, but we don’t think it’s going to do anyone any good by wearing them on the streets. You’ll confuse everyone you come across, and they will end up bumping into you trying to figure out where you are walking.
Is that grass growing on your feet?
Have you not washed your feet for so long that moss has started growing on them? How disgusting can anyone get? Fortunately, this isn’t real moss. It’s just shoes designed to look like moss and grass are growing on them.
But that doesn’t make them forgivable, though. We want to ask the designer what they were thinking. What gave them this silly idea that got them thinking that this would make a killing on the footwear market? We wouldn’t be caught dead wearing this.
Would you like some spaghetti and meatballs?
We love spaghetti and meatballs, and we know we are correct in saying that only a few people can resist this meal. However, we would like them on our plate where we can eat, savor the meal, and fill our bellies.
We don’t want this meal getting anywhere near our shoes. Would you fancy wearing something like this? We don’t. This is an atrocity that isn’t going anywhere near our feet because we don’t want the whole town to think we’ve gone nuts.
Let me help you open that bottle of soda
We all know just how difficult it can be to open soda bottles at times, but if you’re wearing this pair of shoes, you don’t need to worry about not being to drink your soda one bit. Your footwear will take care of everything for you.
This pair of heels, we have to admit, is useful. However, we don’t think anyone wearing these would appreciate it if strangers kept approaching them for help to open soda bottles. They might just get fed up and hit you with the bottle instead.
How would you like to skate in glittery heels?
Do you find yourself wanting to wear glittery heels that catch people’s attention and skate at the same time? Quite a dilemma, right? Now, you can do both by wearing this pair of shoes. You don’t even have to compromise at all.
Skate your way into the party and watch everyone take notice of you on your skater heels, especially if you’re wearing this particular shade of red. You’ll be just like Dorothy saying, “I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.”
Did someone say hairy shoes?
So, this is how shoes look when they finally hit puberty, and we have to admit that they don’t look good. Fortunately, we don’t usually see shoes looking like this because they make our eyes sore. Where do these designers get their ideas?
We don’t want to be mean here, but this just won’t sell. We can’t imagine anyone wanting to wear these shoes and parading in them in front of people unless it’s one big joke and unless you want to look like a werewolf.
No pockets, no problem
We can’t deny that women just need a bag when going out. Otherwise, where are they going to put their makeup, money, tissues, wallet, and all other things? Have you ever noticed a woman go out without a bag? No, right?
This pair of shoes is going to change all that. It will allow women to go out without using such a big bag because now, they can put some of their necessities in their shoes. However, this might trigger robberies as other people will also be able to see what’s in their ‘shoe pocket.’
For frustrated ballerinas everywhere
If you’ve ever dreamed of being a ballerina when you were younger but never got to fulfilling your childhood dreams of joining the most prestigious ballet companies, this is the next best but the most painful thing. We say painful because we can’t imagine how your feet are going to look and feel.
We like the red color, but we just know that this is going to be uncomfortable and painful. We can’t even imagine ourselves wearing these and walking a mere 5 minutes with them. Have you ever seen the feet and toes of ballerinas? No thanks.
For minion lovers everywhere
There is no doubt that the minions are some of the most popular cartoon characters today, thanks to their distinct yellow color, cuteness, and inability to speak straight English. The characters have been featured in at least three movies, and we’re sure we’ll be seeing more of them.
If you love them so much but want to be subtle about them and remain classy at the same time, you can purchase these high-heels. They will be appropriate for parties and a few formal events as long as people don’t take a close look at them.
The perfect way to paint your shoes
When you wear shoes, your feet are obviously hidden. Even if your feet are painted in your favorite color, people won’t be able to see them or admire them. This pair of shoes aims to address that problem in a funny way.
Now you can wear high-heeled, closed shoes and still get to paint your ‘toes’ at the same time. But, we don’t think it’s an excellent way to make an impression on people. You certainly don’t want people to believe that you’re a little off in the head.
A separate ecosystem for your feet
Now, this is a pair of shoes that aims to create a separate ecosystem for your feet, although it’s an ecosystem that can cause fungus and a few other health issues. We understand the need to clean your feet and legs.
However, we don’t understand the need to soak your feet in soap and water while you’re on your way to work, on your way to the supermarket, or while you are in the office. Right now, we are still deciding if this is soap or funny foot sweat. Either way, we’re saying no.
If you want to become part lizard
If your blind date is not going very well and you want to bail out early on her, just show her this pair of shoes, and we guarantee you that you won’t be hearing anything from her. This is the best way to put people off and get them to stay away from you forever.
This is creepy and totally something we expect people who love lizards or aspire to be lizards to wear. We bet it would be useful for cosplay, but we just think that it might be a bit difficult to walk in.
Quit horsing around
We want to tell this person to quit horsing around, but somehow, unexplainably, we like how this horse’s face looks. It looks pleased and tired at the same time. Perhaps, its master has been taking it for long walks.
We’re not going to lie, though. This can easily freak people out, especially at night time. What if this horse shoe comes to life and tramples everyone asleep for all the years it’s been made to work in hard labor?
Gotta catch ‘em all!
You know what they say about Pokemons. You gotta catch ‘em all. It seems that this person already has one down and a few more to go. He’s got Pikachu right “under his feet.” Let’s just hope he has enough pairs of shoes for all Pokemons.
There are over 800 Pokemons still out there, so at that rate, he needs a huge house and enough space to accommodate all his shoe-imprisoning Pokemons. We wonder how long it’s going to take to catch and display all of them.
Upcycling with IKEA
In July 1943, one of the world’s most popular companies was founded as a mail-order business in Sweden. A few decades later, it has become one of the globe’s most valuable companies. IKEA is the go-to place not only for the famed Swedish meatballs but also for low-cost furniture.
Some IKEA finds might test your patience and make you want to give up assembling them. But you can’t deny the company’s impact. This shoe is clearly something that we can envision on IKEA’s shelves. The only question is, will people buy a pair?
Pants and shoes in one
We have shown up late to the office or school at some point, and sometimes, we wish we could do more than one thing at once. This invention is going to help with time constraints because it lets you put on your shoes and pants at the same time.
Now, you don’t have to worry about not finding your shoes as well because it’s a package deal with these pair of pants, and they are color-coordinated, too. We can’t help but think that Cinderella should have worn this to the ball.
If you want to keep a close eye on your pet fish
Do you love your pet fish so much that you want to always keep a close eye on it? With this shoe, you don’t even have to leave home without your pet. You can take your fishy with you wherever you go.
We’re not sure if we’d like to thank or bash the guy for this invention because it’s going to be challenging to feed the little creature, and how do you change the water? We all know the water has to be changed regularly.
Did Barbie lose one of her legs?
Is there a shortage of heels nowadays that some people have resorted to stealing Barbie’s legs and using them as heels? How many Barbies have been rendered disabled because of this trend? And, is one left foot even enough to support whoever tries to wear this shoe?
This shoe takes the term ‘break a leg’ to a whole new level because you’re not only gonna get Kodak or Mentos moment with this, you’re gonna get injured real bad that you’ll have to be in a wheelchair or limp for some time.
This is going to be handy
If there are shoes out there that are dual-purpose, comfortable, and safe at the same time, we’re confident it would sell out quickly because people, especially women, are going to flock to the stores to get them. But this shoe wasn’t what we had in mind.
We agree that it helps keep your makeup easy to reach every time you need to touch up, but it’s not very practical to have to bend down all the time to reach for your mascara, blush, or lipstick. Let’s just leave those things in your handbag.
Does this pair belong to Ronald McDonald?
We’re guessing that Ronald McDonald is on the phone and lodging a report about his stolen shoes right about now. We can imagine him telling the officer on the line that he put his favorite shoes out to dry after washing them, and when he came back in the afternoon, they were gone.
Well, guess what, Ronald, they are here. One look at them, and we can tell that they are yours. We’re not sure who the culprit is, so we can’t comment on that, but if you swing by in 10-15 minutes, we’d be able to hand them to you personally.
If you want to be a cowboy but wear flip flops at the same time
Identity crisis is something people deal with. It is a situation where a person questions his sense of place in the world. Now, this may not be a person, but we can safely say that this pair of shoes is going through an identity crisis.
They can’t seem to make up their mind whether they want to be boots or flip-flops. They also can’t decide whether to go to the rodeo or the beach. We feel you. Just hang in there, and in time you’ll see the light.
Another undecided shoe
Speaking of identity crisis in shoes, this is another pair that can’t seem to make up their mind. They want to be a sneaker, but they also want to be high-heeled shoes simultaneously. They want to watch basketball but also go to a lunch meeting at the same time.
What is going on with all the shoe designers these days? Can’t they come up with other designs and concepts that make sense? We get the need to stand out and be a cut above the rest, but is there a need to go to extremes?
Shoe enough for you?
What do you do when you’re in a hurry, and you can’t find your shoes? Do you, a – go out the door barefoot, b – grab whatever footwear you can find and wear them, or c – wrap your feet in cling wrap and walk out the door?
You can safely guess which choice this person made from the picture, and we’ll be the first to tell you that it isn’t such a good choice. Thin cling wrap won’t do much to protect your feet. You can bet your bottom dollar that this wasn’t a fun experience.
For trick or treat?
We are unsure if these shoes are supposed to be worn when you go trick or treating or when you attend a children’s party, and they’re just about to break the piñata. We do like the concept of having sweets within easy reach.
We’re just worried that the sweets will start smelling like feet, and that’s going to make them hard to stomach, pun intended. No offense, but we’d rather keep our candies, chocolates, and other sweets in our bags or pockets.
We’d like to see you go up the stairs wearing these
Some women put themselves through so much pain and discomfort so that they can wear fashionable shoes made by some of the biggest names in the industry. At least the enviable design of the shoes will compensate for the blisters, corns, and occasional calluses.
What we don’t understand is people wearing ugly shoes and also getting tortured by their footwear at the same time. What’s the point if people don’t even compliment your shoe because it’s just plain ugly? Ladies and gentlemen, here’s exhibit A.
Is this meant for sweaty feet?
If you don’t have sweaty feet, count that as a blessing because many people deal with embarrassing foot sweat. Researchers can’t pinpoint precisely what causes extreme sweating in feet or even Athlete’s foot, but there could be a hereditary reason.
About 5% of people deal with extreme sweating, and we can’t help but think that this pair of shoes was invented just for them. We guess that the purpose of all those sponges is to soak up the moisture, but they’re certainly not going to help with odor.
If you’re into gaming
If your good friend’s birthday is coming up and he’s into gaming, serious computer tasks, or just loves his PC so much, this is something that you could gift him. We’re sure that he will appreciate it as it reflects his personality.
Even if he’s not in front of his computer, it won’t feel so far away because it’s right underneath his feet. Some people say that this would also make an excellent gift for nerds. It doesn’t look pricey, but we all know what they say; it’s the thought that counts.
So this is where all teeth go
Ever wondered where all the teeth that the tooth fairy collected went? Now we know. It all went to this shoe, and perhaps the tooth fairy has plenty of other shoes in her wardrobe decorated with all the teeth of little children.
This doesn’t look fashion-forward, and frankly, we think that the first thing on people’s minds when they see this is the ugly prospect of being bitten or stomped on by all these gnarly teeth, and that thought is not very encouraging.
No money for shoes?
Did you go all out on the newly released iPhone that you blew your budget and are now suffering from the consequences of your decision? Don’t worry. If you need new shoes but don’t have the money for them, you can always use the phone boxes.
Look at this lady. She had to be creative because she didn’t have any money left, and although her footwear is questionable when it comes to durability and comfort, at least she got something good out of those expensive iPhones.
At least it’s pink
We’re not really big fans of pink, but we know that a lot of women will take a look at this footwear and say, ‘At least it’s pink!” We don’t know about you, but this is just too much for us. It looks like a cross between Crocs, Ugg boots, and Vans shoes.
It’s a little too much for us, and even if it’s pink, you’re not going to get us to wear it first because it looks like something Bigfoot would wear, and we don’t even know of any occasion where this would be appropriate.
RIP to this woman’s feet
Your feet carry your weight all day. You walk here and there and go from one place to another, so the least you can do is be kind to your feet and treat them with all the love and care you give your face and other parts of your body.
All we can say to this lady is she better change her ways because her feet are going to suffer. How does she even manage to move an inch with these atrocious shoes? If she doesn’t start wearing other comfortable footwear, we say RIP to her feet.
For women with incredibly long nails
How you cut your toenails can have a massive effect on your feet. Cut them around the corners, and you could have problems with ingrown toenails that can be very uncomfortable. Leave your nails too long, and it could also cause huge problems.
You shouldn’t cut your toenails too short because it can result in ingrown toenails. Looking at these shoes, we can almost imagine the length of the woman’s toenails. Or could it be her toes? If her toes are that long, we’re happy she kept them covered.
An elf and an athlete
Sometimes, we can’t have all that we want, and we have to weigh things and decide which one is more important. We have to get our priorities straight. These dual-purpose shoes are for people who want to have the best of both worlds.
You can be an athlete and an elf at the same time, and you won’t have any problems with these shoes. You can keep both your feet on the ground and have them elevated at the same time, too. How cool does that sound?
For when you want to be electrocuted
Are designers so short of design ideas that they now think it’s a good thing to put some kind of electricity in our footwear? It’s something that could potentially risk electrocution when you walk through puddles or when it rains.
And what is the purpose of that long cable? Is it supposed to be connected to something? We’re thinking that whoever wears this has to be connected to a device that has to be dragged everywhere he goes. It sounds like house arrest.
We think that this is something that Lady Gaga would wear
Lady Gaga has always been fashion-forward throughout the years, although at times, she also looked like a fashion disaster. Remember that time when she wore that meat dress to the awards show? But, her fashion choices have been tame lately.
When we look at this pair of shoes, we can’t help but think of the award-winning singer and her earlier days in show business. We can totally see her rocking this with silvery and glittery clothes that scream, ‘Look at me!’
All in one
Even though this next pair of shoes looks outrageous, we have to commend this designer’s ingenuity. We can see all the dads out there thinking this would the perfect accessory to bring along to any vacation. But, we would be embarrassed to be seen with him.
As we said, it’s a good idea. But, we have a feeling that after a while, the zippers will start to break down and not function since they will become weaker over time. That being said, we suggest staying away from this monstrosity.
Comfortable and sporty
To be completely honest, after what we have seen in this list, this next shoe is starting to look extremely sensible compared to what we have laid eyes on so far. But seriously, what was this designer really thinking?
They tried to take a moccasin and a sneaker and combine them into one violation against humanity. However, if we absolutely had to wear a pair of shoes from this list, we would probably choose this one, and then burn it.
This isn’t footwear, but what the heck
Technically, this list is about strange shoes that we don’t want going anywhere near our feet. What you see in the photo below aren’t shoes, but they deserve to be included in this list because they are plain weird.
We reckon that this person lost his shoes, so he thought of just drawing the straps of flip flops on his feet. If you don’t look at his feet closely, you won’t even notice because it’s nicely done. At least his feet aren’t dirty.
When the shoe doesn’t fit
We can imagine this as one of Cinderella’s stepsisters trying their very best to fit into the shoe that she left behind when she made a mad dash for her carriage before the clock signaled the arrival of midnight.
It looks like an adult is trying to wear a child’s sandal with disastrous results. This is how we imagine most women who try their very best to wear stylish shoes, regardless of how painful or uncomfortable they are, as long as they look good.
Centaur about town
We have an idea of the type of people who will be wearing this pair of shoes; people wanting to look like a horse. You can tell us that this footwear is comfortable and all, but we still don’t want to lay eyes on this atrocity.
The color might be neutral, and it might be durable, but still, we are saying no. We don’t want to be mistaken for a centaur walking around town and risk being caught and put in a cage for everyone to look at.
Do you want gloves on your feet?
This is what you buy when you want to wear racing gloves, but on your feet, and you also want high-heeled shoes at the same time. We feel that this woman is on her way to the Grand Prix and doesn’t want to feel left out.
The footwear is going to make a statement, and although not everyone might agree with it, she’ll belong when she cheers for her favorite drivers wearing this pair. Go Hamilton and go Verstappen. You got the race in the bag.
Is this made with real crocodile leather?
When you see this pair, the last thing on your mind would be to ask if it’s made of real crocodile leather because look at that! It even has the head, the legs, and the other parts. Yup, it’s 200% authentic crocodile leather.
But don’t be surprised if people avoid you and deliberately stay away from you when they see you wearing this. We don’t think everyone is prepared for such a footwear concept. It may be revolutionary, but most people are still traditional.
Flooding? No problem
Floods are consistent problems in low-lying areas, and places in the hurricane belt are particularly vulnerable to it. Nobody likes floods because they can cause a mass amount of damage, you get wet, and nobody wants their things floating in the water.
This guy has the perfect solution. He took some cable ties and used them to tie his flip-flops on two plastic stools. Now it can rain and flood till the cows come home and the soles of his shows won’t even get wet. That’s creativity for you.